By Ashley Smith
Well, its just after the deadline from week three of the Open…
Some might think that currently sitting in 150th place in Canada East would make me upset, discouraged, or feeling defeated. But, it actually makes me surprised, feeling accomplished and motivated….. for my journey to 2015.
When 14.1 was released, all I could think about was how much pain my shoulder was in, and whether or not I could even snatch that weight. I hadn’t snatched, or put anything over head in general, for several weeks. I managed to push through, and post a very mediocre score for myself. The beginning of self defeat and negativity began here.
When 14.2 was released, again, I was very worried about my shoulder on both movements, but especially the chest to bar pull ups. I couldn’t decide whether to risk furthering my injury or just sit it out. Mentally I wasn’t ready to sit out, and knew I had to somehow redeem myself from 14.1, so I pushed through, with fear, hesitation and much pain. I did better than I thought, but not without great cost.
Then came along 14.3, and I realized I’d been focusing so much on my shoulder, I wasn’t even thinking about my back. As soon as it was announced I knew my back just wouldn’t be able to handle the 205lb deadlifts, especially after 70 deadlifts at other weights. Knowing how strong the girls in Canada East are with deadlifts, I immediately felt more defeated and disappointed. At that time I made a very difficult, but necessary decision – to sit out the 2014 year. I know there are two more workouts, and they are likely to be in my wheelhouse, which could make a huge difference in my standings, but – that is not the point at all.
I realized the night of the 14.3 release, that my body truly is at half strength, half capacity, half potential. Amongst other things and injuries that are not fully healed, I have spent the last 2 months trying to recover and rush the healing process of my shoulder just to push through the Open. I spend every week worrying about a single workout announcement, putting off my other workouts for the entire week in order to make sure nothing hurts or gets worse so that I can try to perform whatever is released. I stopped enjoying my workouts and time at the gym, because it wasn’t spent working out, but just worrying and frustrated. I found myself constantly looking at the leaderboard, upset and disappointed in my placing, knowing I could and should be much higher than I was. Not taking into realistic considerations of my situation.
This past year, I have worked incredibly hard at pushing myself to new levels. Getting coaches for running, rowing, lifting and gymnastics. Dialling in my nutrition and trying to make major lifestyle changes in order to make sure I was on the right track for this season. To be 3 weeks in and to finally accept that it wasn’t a possibility this year, was very upsetting and disappointing.
Other than complete stubbornness, why was I putting myself through all this? What could the end result of all this pushing, worrying and pain possibly be at this given time? Even if at 50% I managed to squeeze my way into Regionals this year, how could I possibly compete?
The road to Regionals is not a cushy cruise. Its hard, damn hard. Its an entire 4-6 weeks prior to, going harder than ever, crushing workouts everyday, dialling in weaknesses, reinforcing the strengths, even more perfect nutrition, sleep patterns dialled in, ensuring your body is a full fledged MACHINE!!! It truly is an awesome experience, but unbelievably exhausting and demanding.
Then, Regionals weekend…. There is no such thing as “Oh, you know what, I only got 2 hours sleep last night, and my shoulder is throbbing, can we wait till Monday for this WOD?” or,“Those deadlifts are too much for my back to handle right now, do you mind if I scale that so I don’t sprain it again?”. Those options don’t exist! The option to take a few extra days or even a week to recover from the crazy 100’s isn’t there! You are put through the ringer for three straight days, with very little recovery, very little sleep, and a shit load of pressure at 3…2..1..GO!
So, right now, when I look at the leaderboard, I am proud! I am proud of what I have been able to accomplish up until now. I am excited to know what I can accomplish at only 50%, to know that I have a full year ahead of me to heal my shoulder properly, figure out exactly what is wrong with my back (MRI scheduled soon), continue to dial in weaknesses, improve my strengths, and have FUN with my training!
That being said, I fully intend on completing the open, but without the stress, the worry of furthering injuries, the pain and the pressure! Just doing what I can, and enjoying the experience!
Yesterday was the first day I went to the gym and just had a completely random workout, and it was ridiculously fun. And tonight, was the first day in over 5 weeks I have had a full training day, and almost PR’d two lifts!
On that note, I am very thankful and constantly counting my blessings for the amazing people I have in my life, and my incredible sponsors who continue to believe in me regardless of set backs. I am especially thankful for Kevin, who has been nothing but supportive, encouraging and understanding in every way possible. For everyone who has supported my ridiculous stubbornness to push through to this point, and also for supporting me in my realization and decision that I simply can’t compete this year. For helping me realize that I am only doingmore damage to my body every time I push myself for an extra rep, and more damage mentally for every rep that is still nowhere near my full potential. For each one who has encouraged me to realize that I will come back better, faster, stronger and happier for doing this the right way.
I am genuinely excited for my amazing peers and ladies who are still battling it out for a well deserved spot at Regionals, and I cant wait to be there to cheer every one of you on! (while eating delicious treats with Monica ;))!
Today started my #100happydays project… and today, I am happy to be exactly where I am.